Thursday, 6 February 2014
Flappy Bird - Review
The following review is composed entirely of things I said out loud to my girlfriend when playing Flappy Bird on her phone during a train journey.
Fuck this bird.
So, am I right in thinking you have to tap to flap the bird, and get him through gaps in the pipes? OK.
The graphics are terrible. The bird looks like a fish, and those pipes are straight up stolen from Mario. No subtlety. Just ripped right out of the mushroom kingdom.
I am so hungry I might crack open your phone and eat the bird.
Oh, fuck off. I never hit that pipe. Broken collision detection.
I feel like I've played this before, but better.
OH YEAH, SMACK INTO THE FLOOR, YOU ABSURD BIRD.
What kind of bird flies like this? One flap and then a quick plummet to earth. It's a chicken. It must be a chicken.
If this was my phone, I would smash it, I am so angry at this stupid fucking fishchicken.
How the hell does anyone get a high-score of 50 on this? What degree of masochism facilitates such a thing?
It's compulsive, but then so is heroin, and I wouldn't want to be doing that either.
This a totally hollow experience. Like an Easter egg. But made from ashes.
I hate this bird more than I hate anyone. I hate it more than Robert Mugabe.
It saddens me that people will spend hours on this yet never play Drop7 or Punch Quest.
FUCK THIS BIRD.
Never let me play this again.
Flappy Bird is out now on iOS and Android. If you like games, for the love of God download something else.